“Welcome Back,” she told herself.

In many ways, I feel the title of this post epitomizes the mental space I am in now.  By no means was this blog meant to be an explicit recovery blog, but at least for a little while, I need it to be one.

Just today, my aunt Carol commented on a blog I wrote more than a month ago.

Aunt Carol (in pink) with family during Oregon Coast trip

And it hit a chord.  I had been ignoring stuff.  Sometimes friends, sometimes family, sometimes household maintenance, sometimes meal plans, sometimes grocery shopping, sometimes the truth.  They have all been ignored some time or other in the last months.

So where does that leave me?!?

Good question.

As usual, I have plans…grand plans.  Retooling tasks and trying to be more accountable.  Trying to not be fearful and to take the step forward on the unlit path knowing that the only thing worse is going back.

Now, don’t get worried.  I haven’t stepped back or fallen down, but I’m starting to get experiences those flashes of dangerous thoughts, those nagging rationalizations, and apparently weekly weekend slips.  Yep, I’m scared.  These slips just can’t keep happening and as much as I harbor fear for that unlit path, I know the monster behind me, who is ready to drag me under if I keep slipping and not getting back up, are much more threatening.  

So, back on the journey to settle into myself…whomever that may end up being and whatever she might end up looking like.  And dragging you, the reader, along with me.

To encourage myself, and perhaps share a centering moment with others, I have thought about trying a “word of the day” series for a little bit.  If I can be aware each day of the process, surely a slip won’t pull me under.

So keep an eye out…it’s coming soon.

But for today, a sneak preview.

Today’s word:  LOVE

It is what gets me through.  Knowing I am loved despite my mistakes and my many imperfections.  Knowing that someone believes in me and my chance at a bright and fulfilling future.  Knowing that I can love others and be happy.  What does it mean for you?

 

Today I am grateful for my loving aunt, a new friend, and for falling flat on my face, but being ready to walk tall again tomorrow.

Tags: aunt, love, Oregon, recovery, words

Adventures in a Sunday

I haven’t gone more than 10 miles from my apartment today, but I feel like I’ve been around the world.  So for your amusement, my Sunday adventures.

 

(1) Submitting a manuscript to Preventing Chronic Disease, a peer-reviewed journal housed in the CDC.

 

Some time ago, I received an email (from a list-serve) that let us public health students know that this journal was accepting manuscripts from undergraduate and graduate students.  This may not seem like much, but for some of us un-published wannabes, it seemed like an easier opportunity for possible publication than one that would pit my paper against seasoned veterans.

So, I flagged the email in my inbox and let it sit for weeks and weeks.  Then, this weekend, I got serious about it.  I thought it would be a breeze…I mean, my paper was completed.  All I had to was upload, right?

Um….NOPE!

First, I had to chop over 2000 words from my paper, somehow cut 56 references down to 30, delete/condense one of my tables, and reformat the paper to meet this particular journal’s requirements.

Breeze meet hurricane.

The manuscript is submitted….hours and hours later.  While pressing the SUBMIT button, I had (and continue to have) no grand plans or even dreams for my paper to be published.  In fact, I would consider it the greatest success ever if it made it to the first review stage and wasn’t completely thrown out upon receipt.

This adventure was more about the experience.  Consider me schooled.

 

(2) One girl, a sewing machine, and a dream

A corner of my Runner

 

Having Sunday completely off, I set about to create my inaugural sewn piece.  As a part of my Christmas present, my mother included two pieces of fabric and a tutorial for creating a “E-Z” table runner.

With no way to measure, I just cut the fabric.  Ha.  Straight lines are for sissy’s.  I figured as long as the back and the front were the same size, it wouldn’t matter.

Then, after taking a moment or two (or ten) to remind myself about how to thread the sewing machine needle, I got started.  All seemed to go well, and I felt very proud of myself.  Shoot, I even sewed a border on  two of the ends.

But, really, could an adventure go on in my life without a few u-turns.

Of course, my lack of measurement caused issues….probably too complicated to explain here.  Then, I completely closed the runner blocking myself from turning it right-side out.  Oops….glad that sewing kit included a stitch-removal tool.  And then….gasp….top-stitching–a stitch that requires straight lines and precision.  Ha

In the end, I did end up with a half-way decent piece.  First adventure in sewing…acceptably successful.

 

(3) Coconut Soup Fail

My Goal

It seemed like an easy recipe and I even did the math to cut down the recipe to fewer servings so I wouldn’t have a gallon of it in the refrigerator.  And I went shopping in advance and bought specific ingredients to cut down on my usual shortcut and omissions.  Except for 2 minor omissions, I was actually going to follow the recipe.  Score.

I began preparing the soup while on the phone with my mother.  I can’t help it….multi-tasking just seems right.  But, fail.

First mistake:  Adding the coconut milk in before the other items had simmered for their adequate time (or simmered at all).

Second mistake: Adding fish sauce.  Ooooh, stinky.  Plus, it wasn’t on that recipe but on another I had read the day before.  I don’t know why I added it.  Probably because I bought it….oh I hate wasting money.

Third mistake: Tasting it.

Ha.

So in response to today’s adventures:

Grateful for being able to remove stitches and correct mistakes (in life and in sewing), for my garbage disposal which gladly ate the soup, for my evergreen candle trying desperately to mask the fish smell, and for Mondays and getting back to real life.

Tags: adventure, coconut soup, journal, public health, sewing machine, Sunday, thai cuisine

Welcome Back and More

Welcome back!  

Of course, I am saying that more to myself than anyone else.  Well, I mean, I definitely welcome you back with open and warm arms, but I sarcastically welcome myself back to the world of blogging after a long vacation.  I do plan on being here to stay, though, so feel free to get excited.

So, here’s a recap of life since early December 25:

(1) Apparently, my Christmas gifts had a theme–”EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS” or “IMPROVE YOURSELF.”

My brother graced me with a Kindle.  Guess I have no excuses for not reading more now.

Started off reading a book recommended to me by a 7th grader on Thanksgiving Day.  It’s got me engrossed and I guess I’ll have to finish the series now.  Try it yourself….”The Maze Runner.”

My mother surprised me with a sewing machine.  Oh, yeah.  Let the adventures begin.  I cannot tell you how proud I was of myself after I threaded the bobbin and the machine and made a couple of stitches.  Maybe I can do this?!

First on the list of projects….a table runner.  Hopefully, it won’t be too hard…I mean it is all straight lines, right?

Then my boyfriend made me laugh with David Sedaris’ “Me Talk Pretty One Day,” and then made me swoon when he actually listened to me when I said I’d rather give than receive.  His present to me….a donation to a charity that supplies bees to communities to allow for fertilization of plants and vegetables while also providing honey.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving and totally makes me admire his sense of how to reach my heart.

Now that my family has provided me with such grounds for improving myself and growing in numerous ways, my goal must be to try to continue this adventure.  On Monday, I will be taking my first step to the end of my Master’s degree.  I cannot wait to get started working with such special people and I hope to be able really make a difference….and maybe get a paper published.  :)

So, 2012….I don’t really know what it has in store for me, but I know I feel like I’m being welcomed back to LIFE and I really enjoy it!

Grateful for comedy, libraries, and second chances.

Tags: 2012, bee, book, Christmas, honey, Kindle, sewing

X, Y, and Z are for X-ray, Yummy, and Zoo

In concluding this seasonal blog series, I thought it would be appropriate to reflect upon this last week—especially since it seemed to float by in a fog.  (Truly, I was never quite sure what day it was).

That being said, I have had a busy month…working more than usual and tying many a bow on the innumerable packages the crossed my path.  In such a draining routine, it is not that unexpected that I would let a bacterial infection get a little out of control and send me to the bed with fevers, body aches, and chills for several days.

 

 

 

In trying to discover the etiology of my pain and illness, I was taken for a chest X-ray.  It seemed the physician really wanted to well and truly rule out influenza before diagnosing me.  In this quick-doctor-roadside-shop, the tech took the chest x-ray and then scanned it in while I watched.

It must have been forever since I’ve had an x-ray.  I mean, I know I had a DEXA scan over a year ago, but it was more about displaying colorations based on bone densities rather than illustrating bone placement.   Plus, I’m not sure I saw the results.

This time, I did take a peek at the computer as the image was scanned from the x-ray sheet.  My lungs looked clear, but it was obvious  that my back was crooked.

I know I have some degree of scoliosis.  I don’t really try to hide it, but I’ve never really taken a good look at it either.  But there it was, in all of it’s glory, a curving lumbar spine.  Hmmmm, so that’s what I look like.

 

Note: Mine is NNNOOT that bad@

My Y memory is a more recent one.  By later in the week, finishing my regimen of antibiotics and weaned off of the pain medications, I was excited to welcome my family to my small apartment for to celebrate Christmas.  As a part of our planned festivities, we spent some time Saturday evening, putting together, cutting out, and baking shaped gingerbread cookies.  What emerged where cute and deliciously yummy stars, evergreen trees, bells, reindeer, and gingerbread women.

Icing these cookies took a little more skill.  It turns out that digging out the last of the red icing from the very very back of the grocery store shelf will result in icing that is not quite as flowing or as adhesive as the other colors (white and green).  However, the shelf-life did not affect it’s flavor.  Still yum-yum.  Yep, cookies were a success, a beautiful mess of a success.

 

 

And just to backtrack a bit to pick up that Z…..on Friday evening, I accompanied my boyfriend, his father, and his sister with her bf to the local zoo for “Zoolight Safari.”  I have no idea how many lights were used in this display, but it had to be the reason why I could find no tree lights in any store a week earlier.  All around the main pavilion and lagoon area, there were bright twinkling lights synchronized to the Christmas music in the background.

 

While, sadly, the exotic animals were blocked off from view (they must have been sleeping), it was a fun evening to be out and about, watching the children wander around in awe, and to marvel at the bright display.  Of course, I do like to maintain my illusion that the animals were in the back partying….Madagascar style.

 

Grateful for a wonderful Christmas, time with family, and blog readers.

Really…. thanks for bearing with me on this journey.  It was an interesting one.  It was nice to be able to set a goal (and reach it) even if the attainment of the goal may not always have been on schedule.  I liked to see that some days the gratitude notes were more general and others were more specific, but I was grateful for them all.

 

 

So here is a quick review…..

I am grateful for:

Tags: dexa, nbones, wordle, x, x-ray, y, z, zoo

W is for Wednesday

Well, cos it is.  Don’t ask me to get all creative when we are this far along.  :)

But just to amuse you with some randomness, here are a couple of other things that W could have stood for:

Wednesday Addams (as I know her)

 PS. Check out Christina Ricci’s new show “Pan Am”….I’m a fan.

Walrus

Winter

Since it was a humid 66 degrees outside, this just did not seem appropriate.

Wolf

Sorry, Mr. Wolf.  I’m just not a Twilight fan.

Willow whipping her weave— a “W” trilogy.

"Where is Waldo?" she asked with wonderment?

World Wide Web

Yep, the Internet….as created by Al Gore.

So, basically, you can choose whatever you would like “W” to be for today.   I’m okay with that.  Actually, I encourage it.

Grateful for naps, longer periods of solid sleep, and my family (who will be visiting soon! YEA!)

Tags: Addams family, Christina Ricci, internet, random, Twilight, W, walrus, Willow Smith, wolf

V is for Vandalism

When you hear the word “vandalism,” you probably think about crime, about gang tags on overpasses, and about traveling railroad cars.  I definitely think dirty, neglected, and poor.  And I wonder what drives a person to deface public or private property.

This rash thought has more recently been replaced (or at least they occur at even percentages of time) with the graffiti of Banksy.  Now, I don’t pretend to be all knowledgable about this secret graffiti artist, but I have seen his work routinely on one of my favorite random sites (The Daily What).  Plus, I think there was some to-do about him and one of the award shows last year.

Generally, Banksy’s art has political or social overtones and its stenciled technique make it easy to identify.  Here are a few examples:

Located on a security wall in the West Bank.

Locate in Southhampton, London

What is neat is that Birmingham has its own version of socially conscious vandalism.  From what I can tell, it is a national project (or at least there is a national Facebook page) with several off-shoots.  The campaign is called “You are Beautiful.”  What a nice thing to see—on bad days, on good days, during rush hour traffic, and to show children.  While I would never participate in or really even condone such vandalism, I must say, I love this unique art.

Of course, some of these projects have been painted over.  But I like to think that the memory of there words still rings true for those who pass their way.

Grateful for competent doctors, modern medicine, friends who respond to 5 AM Facebook updates with offers of help, an understanding boyfriend, kind (and totally overworked) coworkers, and soup.

Tags: art, banksy, Birmingham, graffiti, v, vandalism, you are beautiful

T is for Tomorrow and U is for Underwear

If T is for tomorrow and U is for underwear, then today represents…….

 

LAUNDRY DAY!

 

Yep, as I try to be purposefully lazy so I can recuperate from a weekend fever spell that reached 103.6 degrees Farenheit (YIKES!), the whooshing sound of the washer drones on in the background.  I had planned on today being laundry day for more than a week.  This is my first almost fully complete day off in many weeks.  It seemed like the perfect day to get my home life back in order.

For awhile, I debated it.  I could pull out those old “only in case of laundry emergency” underwear and postpone the laundry duties.  I didn’t really want to leave the bed.  But I knew I had to get the cleaning started.  I mean, at the very least, those germ-laden, fever sweat dampened sheets had to be washed.

So I put my big girl paints on and got started.  This is not to say, however, that the bed will be made tonight or that the clothes will be folded.  I can very easily sleep with just a comforter–especially as tired as I’ve been lately.  There is no reason to push myself too hard today, right?!

 

Grateful for Milo’s Tea, Motrin, and caring individuals.

Tags: chores, folding, laundry, panties, sheets, tired, underwear