In many ways, I feel the title of this post epitomizes the mental space I am in now. By no means was this blog meant to be an explicit recovery blog, but at least for a little while, I need it to be one.
Just today, my aunt Carol commented on a blog I wrote more than a month ago.
Aunt Carol (in pink) with family during Oregon Coast trip
And it hit a chord. I had been ignoring stuff. Sometimes friends, sometimes family, sometimes household maintenance, sometimes meal plans, sometimes grocery shopping, sometimes the truth. They have all been ignored some time or other in the last months.
So where does that leave me?!?
Good question.
As usual, I have plans…grand plans. Retooling tasks and trying to be more accountable. Trying to not be fearful and to take the step forward on the unlit path knowing that the only thing worse is going back.
Now, don’t get worried. I haven’t stepped back or fallen down, but I’m starting to get experiences those flashes of dangerous thoughts, those nagging rationalizations, and apparently weekly weekend slips. Yep, I’m scared. These slips just can’t keep happening and as much as I harbor fear for that unlit path, I know the monster behind me, who is ready to drag me under if I keep slipping and not getting back up, are much more threatening.
So, back on the journey to settle into myself…whomever that may end up being and whatever she might end up looking like. And dragging you, the reader, along with me.
To encourage myself, and perhaps share a centering moment with others, I have thought about trying a “word of the day” series for a little bit. If I can be aware each day of the process, surely a slip won’t pull me under.
So keep an eye out…it’s coming soon.
But for today, a sneak preview.
Today’s word: LOVE
It is what gets me through. Knowing I am loved despite my mistakes and my many imperfections. Knowing that someone believes in me and my chance at a bright and fulfilling future. Knowing that I can love others and be happy. What does it mean for you?
Today I am grateful for my loving aunt, a new friend, and for falling flat on my face, but being ready to walk tall again tomorrow.
randomgratitude 