In many ways, I feel the title of this post epitomizes the mental space I am in now. By no means was this blog meant to be an explicit recovery blog, but at least for a little while, I need it to be one.
Just today, my aunt Carol commented on a blog I wrote more than a month ago.
Aunt Carol (in pink) with family during Oregon Coast trip
And it hit a chord. I had been ignoring stuff. Sometimes friends, sometimes family, sometimes household maintenance, sometimes meal plans, sometimes grocery shopping, sometimes the truth. They have all been ignored some time or other in the last months.
So where does that leave me?!?
Good question.
As usual, I have plans…grand plans. Retooling tasks and trying to be more accountable. Trying to not be fearful and to take the step forward on the unlit path knowing that the only thing worse is going back.
Now, don’t get worried. I haven’t stepped back or fallen down, but I’m starting to get experiences those flashes of dangerous thoughts, those nagging rationalizations, and apparently weekly weekend slips. Yep, I’m scared. These slips just can’t keep happening and as much as I harbor fear for that unlit path, I know the monster behind me, who is ready to drag me under if I keep slipping and not getting back up, are much more threatening.
So, back on the journey to settle into myself…whomever that may end up being and whatever she might end up looking like. And dragging you, the reader, along with me.
To encourage myself, and perhaps share a centering moment with others, I have thought about trying a “word of the day” series for a little bit. If I can be aware each day of the process, surely a slip won’t pull me under.
So keep an eye out…it’s coming soon.
But for today, a sneak preview.
Today’s word: LOVE
It is what gets me through. Knowing I am loved despite my mistakes and my many imperfections. Knowing that someone believes in me and my chance at a bright and fulfilling future. Knowing that I can love others and be happy. What does it mean for you?
Today I am grateful for my loving aunt, a new friend, and for falling flat on my face, but being ready to walk tall again tomorrow.
I haven’t gone more than 10 miles from my apartment today, but I feel like I’ve been around the world. So for your amusement, my Sunday adventures.
(1) Submitting a manuscript to Preventing Chronic Disease, a peer-reviewed journal housed in the CDC.
Some time ago, I received an email (from a list-serve) that let us public health students know that this journal was accepting manuscripts from undergraduate and graduate students. This may not seem like much, but for some of us un-published wannabes, it seemed like an easier opportunity for possible publication than one that would pit my paper against seasoned veterans.
So, I flagged the email in my inbox and let it sit for weeks and weeks. Then, this weekend, I got serious about it. I thought it would be a breeze…I mean, my paper was completed. All I had to was upload, right?
Um….NOPE!
First, I had to chop over 2000 words from my paper, somehow cut 56 references down to 30, delete/condense one of my tables, and reformat the paper to meet this particular journal’s requirements.
Breeze meet hurricane.
The manuscript is submitted….hours and hours later. While pressing the SUBMIT button, I had (and continue to have) no grand plans or even dreams for my paper to be published. In fact, I would consider it the greatest success ever if it made it to the first review stage and wasn’t completely thrown out upon receipt.
This adventure was more about the experience. Consider me schooled.
(2) One girl, a sewing machine, and a dream
A corner of my Runner
Having Sunday completely off, I set about to create my inaugural sewn piece. As a part of my Christmas present, my mother included two pieces of fabric and a tutorial for creating a “E-Z” table runner.
With no way to measure, I just cut the fabric. Ha. Straight lines are for sissy’s. I figured as long as the back and the front were the same size, it wouldn’t matter.
Then, after taking a moment or two (or ten) to remind myself about how to thread the sewing machine needle, I got started. All seemed to go well, and I felt very proud of myself. Shoot, I even sewed a border on two of the ends.
But, really, could an adventure go on in my life without a few u-turns.
Of course, my lack of measurement caused issues….probably too complicated to explain here. Then, I completely closed the runner blocking myself from turning it right-side out. Oops….glad that sewing kit included a stitch-removal tool. And then….gasp….top-stitching–a stitch that requires straight lines and precision. Ha
In the end, I did end up with a half-way decent piece. First adventure in sewing…acceptably successful.
(3) Coconut Soup Fail
My Goal
It seemed like an easy recipe and I even did the math to cut down the recipe to fewer servings so I wouldn’t have a gallon of it in the refrigerator. And I went shopping in advance and bought specific ingredients to cut down on my usual shortcut and omissions. Except for 2 minor omissions, I was actually going to follow the recipe. Score.
I began preparing the soup while on the phone with my mother. I can’t help it….multi-tasking just seems right. But, fail.
First mistake: Adding the coconut milk in before the other items had simmered for their adequate time (or simmered at all).
Second mistake: Adding fish sauce. Ooooh, stinky. Plus, it wasn’t on that recipe but on another I had read the day before. I don’t know why I added it. Probably because I bought it….oh I hate wasting money.
Third mistake: Tasting it.
Ha.
So in response to today’s adventures:
Grateful for being able to remove stitches and correct mistakes (in life and in sewing), for my garbage disposal which gladly ate the soup, for my evergreen candle trying desperately to mask the fish smell, and for Mondays and getting back to real life.
Of course, I am saying that more to myself than anyone else. Well, I mean, I definitely welcome you back with open and warm arms, but I sarcastically welcome myself back to the world of blogging after a long vacation. I do plan on being here to stay, though, so feel free to get excited.
So, here’s a recap of life since early December 25:
(1) Apparently, my Christmas gifts had a theme–“EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS” or “IMPROVE YOURSELF.”
My brother graced me with a Kindle. Guess I have no excuses for not reading more now.
Started off reading a book recommended to me by a 7th grader on Thanksgiving Day. It’s got me engrossed and I guess I’ll have to finish the series now. Try it yourself….”The Maze Runner.”
My mother surprised me with a sewing machine. Oh, yeah. Let the adventures begin. I cannot tell you how proud I was of myself after I threaded the bobbin and the machine and made a couple of stitches. Maybe I can do this?!
First on the list of projects….a table runner. Hopefully, it won’t be too hard…I mean it is all straight lines, right?
Then my boyfriend made me laugh with David Sedaris’ “Me Talk Pretty One Day,” and then made me swoon when he actually listened to me when I said I’d rather give than receive. His present to me….a donation to a charity that supplies bees to communities to allow for fertilization of plants and vegetables while also providing honey. It’s the gift that keeps on giving and totally makes me admire his sense of how to reach my heart.
Now that my family has provided me with such grounds for improving myself and growing in numerous ways, my goal must be to try to continue this adventure. On Monday, I will be taking my first step to the end of my Master’s degree. I cannot wait to get started working with such special people and I hope to be able really make a difference….and maybe get a paper published. 🙂
So, 2012….I don’t really know what it has in store for me, but I know I feel like I’m being welcomed back to LIFE and I really enjoy it!
Grateful for comedy, libraries, and second chances.
In concluding this seasonal blog series, I thought it would be appropriate to reflect upon this last week—especially since it seemed to float by in a fog. (Truly, I was never quite sure what day it was).
That being said, I have had a busy month…working more than usual and tying many a bow on the innumerable packages the crossed my path. In such a draining routine, it is not that unexpected that I would let a bacterial infection get a little out of control and send me to the bed with fevers, body aches, and chills for several days.
In trying to discover the etiology of my pain and illness, I was taken for a chest X-ray. It seemed the physician really wanted to well and truly rule out influenza before diagnosing me. In this quick-doctor-roadside-shop, the tech took the chest x-ray and then scanned it in while I watched.
It must have been forever since I’ve had an x-ray. I mean, I know I had a DEXA scan over a year ago, but it was more about displaying colorations based on bone densities rather than illustrating bone placement. Plus, I’m not sure I saw the results.
This time, I did take a peek at the computer as the image was scanned from the x-ray sheet. My lungs looked clear, but it was obvious that my back was crooked.
I know I have some degree of scoliosis. I don’t really try to hide it, but I’ve never really taken a good look at it either. But there it was, in all of it’s glory, a curving lumbar spine. Hmmmm, so that’s what I look like.
Note: Mine is NNNOOT that bad@
My Y memory is a more recent one. By later in the week, finishing my regimen of antibiotics and weaned off of the pain medications, I was excited to welcome my family to my small apartment for to celebrate Christmas. As a part of our planned festivities, we spent some time Saturday evening, putting together, cutting out, and baking shaped gingerbread cookies. What emerged where cute and deliciously yummy stars, evergreen trees, bells, reindeer, and gingerbread women.
Icing these cookies took a little more skill. It turns out that digging out the last of the red icing from the very very back of the grocery store shelf will result in icing that is not quite as flowing or as adhesive as the other colors (white and green). However, the shelf-life did not affect it’s flavor. Still yum-yum. Yep, cookies were a success, a beautiful mess of a success.
And just to backtrack a bit to pick up that Z…..on Friday evening, I accompanied my boyfriend, his father, and his sister with her bf to the local zoo for “Zoolight Safari.” I have no idea how many lights were used in this display, but it had to be the reason why I could find no tree lights in any store a week earlier. All around the main pavilion and lagoon area, there were bright twinkling lights synchronized to the Christmas music in the background.
While, sadly, the exotic animals were blocked off from view (they must have been sleeping), it was a fun evening to be out and about, watching the children wander around in awe, and to marvel at the bright display. Of course, I do like to maintain my illusion that the animals were in the back partying….Madagascar style.
Grateful for a wonderful Christmas, time with family, and blog readers.
Really…. thanks for bearing with me on this journey. It was an interesting one. It was nice to be able to set a goal (and reach it) even if the attainment of the goal may not always have been on schedule. I liked to see that some days the gratitude notes were more general and others were more specific, but I was grateful for them all.
When you hear the word “vandalism,” you probably think about crime, about gang tags on overpasses, and about traveling railroad cars. I definitely think dirty, neglected, and poor. And I wonder what drives a person to deface public or private property.
This rash thought has more recently been replaced (or at least they occur at even percentages of time) with the graffiti of Banksy. Now, I don’t pretend to be all knowledgable about this secret graffiti artist, but I have seen his work routinely on one of my favorite random sites (The Daily What). Plus, I think there was some to-do about him and one of the award shows last year.
Generally, Banksy’s art has political or social overtones and its stenciled technique make it easy to identify. Here are a few examples:
Located on a security wall in the West Bank.
Locate in Southhampton, London
What is neat is that Birmingham has its own version of socially conscious vandalism. From what I can tell, it is a national project (or at least there is a national Facebook page) with several off-shoots. The campaign is called “You are Beautiful.” What a nice thing to see—on bad days, on good days, during rush hour traffic, and to show children. While I would never participate in or really even condone such vandalism, I must say, I love this unique art.
Of course, some of these projects have been painted over. But I like to think that the memory of there words still rings true for those who pass their way.
Grateful for competent doctors, modern medicine, friends who respond to 5 AM Facebook updates with offers of help, an understanding boyfriend, kind (and totally overworked) coworkers, and soup.
If T is for tomorrow and U is for underwear, then today represents…….
LAUNDRY DAY!
Yep, as I try to be purposefully lazy so I can recuperate from a weekend fever spell that reached 103.6 degrees Farenheit (YIKES!), the whooshing sound of the washer drones on in the background. I had planned on today being laundry day for more than a week. This is my first almost fully complete day off in many weeks. It seemed like the perfect day to get my home life back in order.
For awhile, I debated it. I could pull out those old “only in case of laundry emergency” underwear and postpone the laundry duties. I didn’t really want to leave the bed. But I knew I had to get the cleaning started. I mean, at the very least, those germ-laden, fever sweat dampened sheets had to be washed.
So I put my big girl paints on and got started. This is not to say, however, that the bed will be made tonight or that the clothes will be folded. I can very easily sleep with just a comforter–especially as tired as I’ve been lately. There is no reason to push myself too hard today, right?! 🙂
Grateful for Milo’s Tea, Motrin, and caring individuals.
What is it about Christmas time that lowers my immune system’s ability to fight off bacteria and viruses?
My possible ideas:
1. I’ve been working too much
2. It’s the time of year when these kind of infections happen.
3. I’m doomed.
Ha…just kidding. It’s not as serious as all that. But it does seem that, yet again, I am becoming sick around Christmas. My body has been aching slightly for a couple of days, but nothing too serious. But today, the fever hit and the body aches became more serious. Even pulling on my boots and stepping into the shower hurt.
But I still tried to make it to work. And I did last 5 and 1/2 of the 7 hours I was scheduled to work. Thankfully, I have tomorrow off so I can sleep and relax and recuperate.
But like I said, this is not the first Christmas I have been sick.
There was one year when my allergies were horrible. We must of had a different kind of tree that year. In fighting the allergies, I took some Benedryl and promptly fell asleep–missing all of the day’s festivities.
The most notable Christmas illness was the Christmas of my first year in college. After finals, I returned home to find a house of sick people. My father, mother, and younger brother were all battling a stomach virus.
Worse, the house did not have any signs of Christmas. The Christmas tree was propped up against the wooden fence in the driveway with its trunk soaking up water from the bucket it was in. This could not be. I had to get our home in the Christmas spirit.
Armed with determination, I loaded the tree in the bed of my father’s truck, drove around to get as close as possible to the sunroom doors, and drug the tree up the deck stairs and into the sunroom. I believe I had all kinds of tree sap and small scratches on my arms from the effort. But the tree was up–even if slightly askew.
Then, the next weekend, when my family was finally recovered, we all headed to the State Championship football game at our high school. I was beginning to feel fatigued and achy, but I ignored it as I drank Gatorade by the gallon. Sadly, before the game started (we had gotten there 4 hours early), I had to leave as I had begun getting sick. I did make it home, driving very slow and stopping once or twice, but I missed the epic Gamecock win as I spent the night in the bathroom.
I do hope this illness clears up soon. I have big plans for a great Christmas. My family is all coming to visit me and we have a fun time planned. Surely, a day in the bed (and a little motrin) will help me recoup enough to get everything done for Saturday.
Grateful for Powerade, the caring thoughts of loved ones, and sweat pants.
I must apologize for my lack of blogging this week. Getting this close to Christmas, the retail store where I work has been packed and I am working more than I have all year. (Note: This is not necessarily a bad thing. It funds my ability to give to others which happens to bring me joy.)
Anyway, today I have attempted to combine all five letters of gratitude for this week into one post—with a common theme. This is a little more difficult than it may initially seem. It did take at least the duration of my morning shower to work all the letters in. I hope you enjoy this compilation of randomness.
To start off, I will begin by sharing a news story I heard (and read about) this week. After receiving complaints from those with sensitive ears, those who hate having to constantly use the remote when watching television, and those who apparently do not have DVR, the FCC has made a ruling about the volume of commercials shown during television shows.
The new rule apparently says that television distributors must monitor the volume of commercial noise to ensure that they are of similar volume as the show in which they appear. Hmmm. This could be interesting. But don’t get your hopes up too soon; the rules do not go into effect until next December.
Overall, I guess this may mean commercials like this one will be broadcast at a lower decibel, but they will still be utterly annoying.
But speaking of noise, if you have been shopping lately, or even turned on a radio, you probably have been bombarded with a barrage of Christmas carols. There are, of course, the more traditional songs and then there are the newer pop sensations.
It seems that many songs contain a list (or at least one) object that the singer is requesting for Christmas or has already received. While some are more poetic in their Christmas desires (think “All I Want for Christmas is You”), others are more practical (“All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth.”)
Then there is the famous “Twelve Days of Christmas” in which someone receives gifts of interesting origin for 12 consecutive days. I mean, they start of making a little sense, but then snowball into this weird party with milkmaids, lords, and drummers. Plus, I’m thinking if you put all those fowl in one place, its bound to get a little dirty and stinky. Definitely not your best holiday idea.
Another oft played song during the holiday season that confuses me a bit is “My Favorite Things.” This song from the musical “Sound of Music” is not your traditional holiday song. If I remember correctly, the musical does not even take place at Christmas. I believe there was even some frolicking across the grassy green meadows in the mountains.
Anyway, if you can get over that little problem, you must remember that one of the favorite items are brown paper packages tied up with string. This simple gift wrap idea apparently just wouldn’t cut it in the current day and age. For days upon days, I have been wrapping packages in white boxes with red and green ribbon (and the occasional package tied with blue and silver ribbon for those celebrating Hanukkah). I’m a little worn out on the complementary wrapping, but it is nothing compared to the bags, boxes, and elaborately designed paper that people use to pretty up their presents.
Unfortunately, as much as the packaging of the packages appeals to the ascetic side of us all, we all know that it ends up in a big black garbage bag in some dreary landfill soon after the packages are open. Unless, of course, you are my grandmother. Then you will carefully open that packages as to not tear the paper. This way you can save the wrapping, the tissue, and the bows. She is never one to waste anything…..even plastic bags and aluminum foil.
One of the most famous carols speaks of the utmost quiet. Yep, I’m talking about “Silent Night.” This was a song I learned in German–Stille Nacht—and could sing at least part in the native Deutsche. It was also one of the few songs I could play on the piano.
I took lessons for years, but never practiced. Therefore, my talent is very lacking. However, each year, we would have a small, intimate recital for the holiday season. My go-to song was “Greensleeves,” also known as “What Child is This.” I played it every year and for many years after I quit taking lessons, I could still remember at least the chorus. Turns out piano just was not my forte. Having to move the left and right hands simultaneously was a challenge for me….and a challenge I did not take on. I am not sure if I am at the age yet where I regret my lack of determination and diligence in this area, but I am sure one day I will wish I was more musically minded.
This is probably what I sounded like! 🙂
And now a bonus, Q….a quiz. Don’t worry, there will be no evaluation! But I thought it would be fun to share a little Christmas quiz to see how well you really know your Christmas carols. I hope you enjoy!
Grateful for early morning naps, temperatures in the 60’s, and my Christmas tree.
I don’t feel like I can let M pass without paying some homage to the word Magnolia.
In August, a silver magnolia charm was passed around to friends and mentors as they each “pressed” into it some quality they wished for me or some words of wisdom. I had not thought about this ritual recently until today, and I remember the somewhat awkward feeling of having to listen as people share their memories and hopes for you. Accepting one compliment is hard enough; try doing it again and again.
At the end of the communal sharing, I was reminded that I could carry this magnolia charm with me always as a reminder of my strength. Magnolias, they said, were thought to represent perseverance and dignity. The tree itself stood for magnificence. By remembering the magnolia and recounting all it stood for and all that was pressed into it, I was to feel the love and support of all those who had been with me for months.
Truly, they had been. I remember sitting outside around an ashy fire pit one balmy summer afternoon stating that I had no hope. This statement received a quick response as a mentor solemnly stated that it did not matter if I had hope (or faith) at the moment as she had it for me and would carry it until I was ready to take possession of it again.
By August, I had grasped that hope and held on to it tight. It’s amazing how much that hope and faith have brought for me, how many smiles and laughs, how many new experiences, how much self-confidence, how much love for life. It’s important that I remember this. And remember to keep treasuring life and all that it has to bring.
While I don’t wear the magnolia charm (I don’t wear any jewelry; its a personal oddity as I don’t enjoy the feel of metal on my skin), I do display the charm in my bedroom in a small shadowbox. Everyday I see it, but I don’t SEE it everyday.
During this Christmas season, it is easy to reflect on the changes I have made in the last year. Almost a complete 180. But I must be careful never to take these changes (and all the hard work and support that got me here) for granted. To me, this is the function the magnolia must serve.
The magnolia must serve as a reminder to be strong, to work through hard times, to face challenges, and to do it afraid. It must remind me to live with dignity and nobility–serving my friends and neighbors and supporting them as they have supported me. It must remind me to stand tall and proud of the person I am….flaws and screw-ups and fall. It must remind me to be thankful for beauty in the world around me and all of the unique qualities each person brings to the world. It must remind me to love, to live, and to have hope.
Grateful for gratitude, support, friendship, strength, and carriers of hope.
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